What does it feel like to "lose your looks" to age?

I can’t tell you what happened but I kind of grew into that look.

The fat years

My old pictures, even the ones I liked and used for online profiles, are a much heavier version of me. If I ever went out on the dating sites again – I won’t – but if I did, people would be surprised to meet me. “You’re nothing like your photos,” they would say. “I expected you to be… fat.”

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I observed my father, who in his forties and early 50s had a very smart look or so I thought, in kind of a dignified European businessman way. He approached the world fearlessly – not aggressively but he knew who he was and did not hesitate. Girls behind the register, the bank counter, the museum volunteer station would flirt with him and he would just be himself.

I should care because that reflects how I feel about myself. You only have one body in this world and one chance at life. Best you take care of it.

So I’d hustle my network and show up anyway just to see the look on her face to find me sitting on the couch when she arrived. The catered food, DJs, live bands, views out the window, models, designers, paid photographers, butlers in tuxes with trays of pre-poured champagne, cheerleaders from the local sports team, all an added bonus. It wasn’t exactly a burden. The unnecessary drama was. It got old, like me. It felt unreal, like living in a reality show fueled by lots of cocaine and bad behavior, which I observed for my book but did my best not to partake.

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I dated enough drop dead gorgeous (and smart, talented, successful) women in my 20s and 30s to fill a book. Enough for my book at least. One told me in all sweetness and vulnerability that she’d never dated a good looking guy before me and didn’t know what to do. That memory is a page for my book. Years later I showed a picture of my younger self to some guys I was working with and they said something like “wow”. Another snapshot, page 172.

Why should I care how I look?

I was still hanging with kids half my age but these were tech guys, company founders and CEOs, inventors. If you walked into the room you would notice them but not me, not until you thought “who’s that older guy in the corner” and you would probably mistake me for a venture capitalist.

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I was a shy, bookish, and unnoticeable kid in the 70s and early 80s before there was anything cool about being a nerd. I wasn’t fit, a dweeb with no fashion style. More to the point I was childlike and inoffensive, didn’t know how to talk to men or women. The popular boys and girls considered me “cute”, not a manly man for sure. I sometimes got a kiss on the cheek, but not exactly what they were looking for in a mate or companion. But I played piano was super good at taking tests. “I’ll see you at the Van Cliburn one day” one older woman wrote me.

One of the benefits of cancer is that you can lose a lot of weight. I’m down 60 pounds, back to the trim body shape I had as a young man. If you squint I look just right. But the chemicals can dry you up, shrivel your skin, make wrinkles and little red spots. And you can feel just awful.

I like it, I think I’m looking pretty good now. I don’t know if I really am and frankly I don’t care. I’m at the end of my book and it was a good one… a little shallow at first, a little slow and bleak in the middle, but a nice ending that makes you think. And pictures, lots of wonderful pictures in my book, unforgettable moments.

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I don’t know, I just didn’t care. I’ve lost a lot of things – loves, family, friends, money, homes, confidence. Religion, meaning, direction in life. And gained new ones, sometimes deeper and more mature things to replace them.

It’s annoying but not the worst thing ever.

By the time I retired from the scene in favor of business and other serious pursuits I was middle aged and fat. Not American-level fat, more like an active plump blob, 50+ pounds overweight. The weight made my face look younger but not in a good way. You can see that in my Quora profile picture, which is about 4 years old now.

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(image: I don’t know if he’s good looking but he has the look – Vincent Noiseux has a killer smile and dances like he means it. For the old timers that really is Herb Alpert and his wife of 50 years Lani Hall at the end of the video)

Earlier, plain

A cocky 20-something guy who was hitting on my roommate at one of these parties asked her “who’s the old guy”, not realizing she and I were the same age. “How old do you think I am,” she asked. I’d never been the old guy before, that hit me hard.

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Looks to me are how you project feelings. It’s about the audience, not an objective thing. To a dog we’re all beautiful; your cat knows you’re ugly but she’ll put up with you. The most important audience is you. Internally it’s all about confidence, poise, claiming your place in the world as a person, taking care of yourself.

My wild years, a long off topic story

I carried that mojo into my forties, going on a dating spree after a divorce despite gaining a few dozen pounds. A hot and spicy roommate / houseguest of mine said something about plain looking people like me not getting invited to parties unless we had something to offer. Rich guys and cocky posers pretending to be rich would invite her to Marin, Napa, Silicon Valley for town-and-country pool parties, winery openings, band afterparties, rides on boats that never came. She made it clear I wasn’t on the invite list.

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At this 110-year-old SF spot, the burger is famous but the owner wants to be president trib.al/OT4KS…

I lost my looks and regained them more than a few times though never all the way fugly or stand-out guapo — sometimes in the space of a day. Haven’t we all?

In that era we called it “the scene” and there was just one of them in San Francisco… or maybe two, one for younger people like us and the other for the old money set. They both intersected every night at the window tables and sidewalks outside a notorious restaurant called the Balboa Cafe.

Why do I feel so lazy every time I get into my room?

If you know you’re good looking, you are. If you truly don’t care about looks, good for you.

Got sick

Being lighter gives my bounce back. I’ve adopted a new look, Hawaiian shirts and a panama hat. I have a lot of energy for a sick person.

Hi everybody! I have been looking at posts on narcs and narc abuse on here and if has really helped me out a lot. I am currently struggling with my situation and need some advice/support. I met a narc last year, everything seemed to good to be true. Love bombing, always texting calling and taking me on dates. Everything changed when someone warned me about him out in public in front of him and who he is. This caused a conflict with us and the love bombing seized. he would tell me that everything is okay and i can come and talk. He would set a time limit on me and kick me out after that. he would then text me like everything was fine and we hung out again and after that he completely ghosted me for one week. He came back and texted me a week later laughing about the ghosting and acting like nothing had happened. he continued to text me ( not like in the beginning) make plans with me, then on the day of the plans he would just ghost me. One day he would act interested the next silence. i contacted him a month later and he acted like nothing happened. He was on a vacation and sent me a picture of another woman ( someone he allegedly met on the trip) to strike a reaction but i never gave him one. After the trip he came to my place and was extremely rude, accusing me of going on dates with a bunch of men. The next day he accused me of being an alcoholic and that he wanted nothing to do with me but said well maybe we can be "friends" then ghosted me i assumed at this point it was over and i would never hear from him again. He contacted me on the holiday a month later acting like everything was great. We ended up hanging out a month or so later and when we hung out it went well, i thought things were going in the right direction. after we hung out.. silence. I would try to text him and if he replied it would be very short then he just stopped replying. He ghosted me for almost three months. I thought he was done this time and of course he popped up again like nothing happened. At this point i was getting sick of if so i questioned him as to why he dissapeared and always does this. Of course he had some sob story about a injury and family member dying of cancer. I felt pity for him and he gave me an apology.. so i took him back stupidly. things seemed to be going smooth for a couple months, of course until his family member died and his injury got better he never contacted me and was distant. Menawhile, i was there for him during the difficult time for him. He lied to me about the funeral and never wanted to chat. I was chasing him and he would always claim nothing was wrong but when i said i thought he used me when he was down he could not handle it and would always tell me he didnt care and to go away. I would get so upset i would try texting him to work it out he would barelt respond and if he did he would not be nice about it. we did hang out a couple times after that, he would ignore me after. One day i was like hey i think you are seeing someone else, and i was like well ixam seeing someone so no problem if you are he said " buy bye good luck with your new guy stop contacting me" i was devastated and tried to get into contact with him for weeks then i just gave up and accepted it was over. He ended up contacting me a month later acting like everything was fine. He wanted to go out and have drinks i told him i would. He and i both seemed to have a great time. He ends up ignoring me again. I kept texting him trying to figure out what was wrong. He kept saying everything was fine and i said ok can we hang out again? He said maybe i was like why? He just kept saying maybe … our last conversation we had… i said what is wrong ? He said nothing is wrong everything is fine. I asked him why he keeps saying maybe. He said " maybe but i dont want to see you right now" i said why? He saix " im just not feeling it, if i wanted to date i would" i said why did you contact me less then a week ago wanting to go out? He said i didnt.. even though he did. So i said should i just move on or what? He said whatever you want to do. So i said that he was really confusing me and asked him if he had anything more to say before i move on? My messages were turning green so i panicked he blocked me and reacted irrationally. I said " omg did you block me? My messages are not going through. Even texted him on my work phone asking what was up. And called him twice ( please dont judge me i know it is pathetic i never was this type of girl before him) so he replied and said " Ok I'll block you now" then immedietly blocked me. He has never blocked me before since I have met him he will just ghost. Is this ths final discard aka " grand finale? Did i just push him too far? this has upset me so much its hard to even function.